I Have Never Cried So Much!

Whew, what is “trying” supposed to look like? I am trying so hard but feel like I haven’t made it anywhere. So, should I have said, what is “trying supposed to feel like? See, I made a decision to get up and move a while ago. I wanted to move from where I was in my thinking, my behavior, my daily practices.... I wanted everything to be different. I had grown so negative, slowful and unmotivated. This behavior came from constant struggles, so I learned to play dead and maybe struggles would leave me alone. Maybe I wouldn’t be so depressed or frustrated if I didn’t try anymore. That behavior only brought on more frustration and heartache and even left me lonely at times because who wanted to be around someone who was so unhappy. It is almost like the sicker you are, the sicker you get. So, I started feeding myself daily what my mind, soul and spirit needed to nourish itself back to health.

Now I’m moving, believing and hoping again. As crazy as this may sound my journey is taking right and left turns working out of me the things that constantly kept me down. Perpetual triggers are very present with glowing reminders that one day off could swing me right back into an abyss. I have to tell myself now, this is only a test. I have to remind myself why I got up in the first place and even more so now, I have to remind myself that I do not want to go back.

I enjoy walking on trails now. This has been one of my passions that had brought me life and metaphorically speaks to me constantly how life works. On my favorite trail, if you start it you must see it through because there are no other linking shorter trails to connect to should the trail pose too much for you. Your choices are either to take your time, rest a little but keeping steady until the end. No one is coming to get you because it is also the most unstable trail and it would be near impossible to carry you out. You would have to see it through just how you started. Also, turning back halfway in would be the same as continuing on except you would feel the defeat in knowing you didn’t make it. So now it’s you and the unstable terrain under your feet with a little determination in your gut that you have to do this now. What I love so much about it all is that if I didn’t focus on what was behind me and think about what was ahead and the beauty that was around me, that journey posed less a struggle and a threat.

Right before you would even feel like you just couldn’t take it anymore thoughts of others passing you with ease or shall I say a little less struggle than myself sends a tinge of encouragement but more so the thought that I’ve made it through this before myself changes my mind about what I am experiencing in that moment.

With tears in my eyes, deep long breathes and sweat bubbling on my face, I keep pressing because I know I am hurting right now but it won’t last long and soon I would have made it out. Doing now what I love I realized that this journey wouldn’t be void of tears and heartache. They would all still be there. I have never cried so much moving forward, continuing on, not stopping, feeling the burn of having to push myself to new limits. I cry now more than I ever have but there is a difference. I am not anymore, I am in motion.